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Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to impregnate your daughter. Oh my God! ...Well, see ya later. That's a typical conversation for me...
-Hm.
No, I'm just kidding. I've got a low sperm count actually.
Uhhhh, I actually have larger than average sperm count.
Do you? -Lucky you, man. Lucky you... Or unlucky.
-Or unlucky, depending on your lifestyle...
See now, when I found out that my sperm count was abnormally low... I guess I shouldn't say abnormally, because alotta guys have low sperm counts.
-Yea...
It's nothing to be ashamed of.
Actually most guys probably.
...Yeah, honesty. -It probably is... But I found that out, ya know, and I says to myself, you know, I'm gonna take this opportunity to have as much unprotected sex as I possibly can.
-Well, obviously.
...Because the chances, are-are so lessened for me that I probably won't get anyone pregnant.
It's already one in a million. Reduce it, by a thousand, a hundred thousand, whatever the number is; -It doesn't matter.
So I have only a point zero-zero four chance... in a million.
That's demanding... I think, a certain lifestyle change...
I think it really-really is. So that's when I started to think, condoms are so overrated. I'mma-I'm not ever gonna wear one again... Annnd I do. I do wear them, because sometimes you just don't know who your sleeping with...
-Yeah...
-I mean you actually don't know who they are.
Yeah.
...So, that's... It's important. That's somethin' I'm going to tell my kids; That's why I am a fan of the anus. I won't tell them to go for it, or don't go for it, but if that's what you like, then I'm all for it.
A-Okay.
That's okay. There's no problem with that. There's no... no chance of getting her pregnant.
-No.
There is a chance of passing on thee uh, the STDs.
-Yeah, but even that. ...I heard if you do... like, whatever, jumping jacks, or something... that's supposta-
-Jumping jacks I heard, yeah actually, that helps. With uh, with the clap... as well as HIV. ...So if you actually have HIV, and you start to do jumping jacks regularly. Like, every morning wake up and do fifty jumping jacks, -eh, like maybe even five. Just do five jumping jacks every morning, you'll be fine. HIV goes right away... You don't even have to worry about it.
-HIV... Whatever... but now that there's super-AIDS er whatever...
Yeah, you gotta watch out for super-AIDS.
-That's the one I worry about.
Super-AIDS is the worst. That's like-
-It's like when they, I don't know. It's like when they put lime in coke... Ya know?
Yeah.
Ya don't need that... Why? Why did you make super-AIDS?
I know.
Come'on... AIDS was enough...
I know... but ya had to keep goin'.
It's like: Now, new vanilla-AIDS... Holiday spice-AIDS... It's all-
Clear-AIDS?
-Clear-AIDS. Crystal clear-AIDS... Yeah, that-that was short lived. People didn't like crystal clear-AIDS -cause, it just didn't look-
-Like what it was suppost to taste like.
Yeah, ya know... I wanna taste my AIDS, and I wanna see what I'm tasting dammit...
-
Dialog Samples
Wisdom Gained
CommonMen 3
CommonMen 4
Dopplegangers
MicroFiction
The Afterlife Is Gay
Short Stories
Up From The Depths
Bangin' Onna Trashcan
The Conductor... Is A Bear!!
